xXNothingxMachineXx's Xanga

Broken Shell

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 04:30:53 GMT

So something in me has finally broke. I am not stuck inside that shell that held me back from speaking my mind, demanding respect, and loving myself.

I realize that I am not ugly. I am not stupid. I do not deserve to have shit all for my whole life. I deserve to get what I want. I deserve respect.

Jade is who I am and if you do not like me then go fuck yourself. If you are not willing to change a bit for me then why should I change a bit for you? Why should I have to put up with your bullshit if you don't put up with mine?

Just a warning, if you do not give me respect I will not give you anything.

FUCK MAN

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 09:38:02 GMT

So I decided to stay up past 2 and that made it so I couldn't sleep at all. It is now 6:20am and I have to get up at 10. I don't know what I am going to do haha. Oh well.

I feel as if I am holding Devin back. He is a young man, and I am the only girlfriend he has had. I am the only girl he has kissed. The only girl he has done stuff with. He is 19 already and I am not. He hasn't gone out to the bars or anything yet. I feel conflicted. I love him so much and it would kill me to know he kissed someone without being so drunk he did not know what was going on. I wish I could talk to him right now to tell him how I felt. I want to know how he feels about potentially never getting to kiss another girl or do anything with another girl other than me for the rest of his life. I don't really care about kissing or doing stuff with other guys. I have had my fair share. I am fine with only having one guy for the rest of my life. This is not a good feeling at all. He wants to go drinking with his friend from Tim Hortons but her one friend always ends up topless, and Devin said he wouldn't want to go because he knew that it would make me uncomfortable. I feel horrible being the reason he can't go out and have fun.

All I get to do lately is work, and go to school. My only fun times are either at work, sadly enough, or being with Devin [sex, watching shows, and just hanging out]. I don't really have anyone else. I wish I could be one of those girls who say as long as you tell me and you don't have feelings for them you can do stuff with them. I am too jealous to do that. Devin is mine and all mine. I hate thinking that he probably looks at girls and thinks about doing stuff with them. I look at guys sure, but I do not think about doing stuff with them. I would feel guilty. I feel guilty even thinking a guy is cute. I don't know what is wrong with me right now. Something is though.

School!

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 15:40:07 GMT

School has been pretty cool.
My schedule is pretty calm other than walking back and forth to my car to move it so it doesn't get ticketed is really annoying.
The professors I have are pretty chill and different. I have the same professor for Music Appreciation and Philosophical issues. My comics teacher is a young guy who does not look that into comics I must say. My Primate Studies teacher is a somewhat eccentric lady. My Gender and sexuality teacher is a nice Muslim lady who is pregnant.

Tomorrow is Devin's birthday! He will be 19!

I have hung out with my Brothers Craig and Shaun a couple times in the last two weeks. It's fun. I have also hung out with my friend from the Computer courses, and the Nova Scotia trip Mike a couple times. It's been fun. Yesterday Mike picked me up and carried me to throw me into Devin for some reason unknown to me. It was like I was 5 pounds haha.

I have three fisheys. Tube, Turb, and Nuke. They are cute. They will probably die like the other two soon though. Boo.

8 Days!

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 00:49:48 GMT

School begins in basically a week. I found out that the course my Aunt took is only one semester. ONE MORE FREAKING YEAR OF SCHOOL! That is so amazing. I will be making money and on my own in no time.

Work was pretty lame today. I worked 1-8 which is a really boring shift. It is so dead until 5 but you have to look busy so I walked around a lot. My feet hurt now. Some drunk man wanted to see the kittens and he would not get out of the small animal house. I would of gotten in trouble if he was not drunk. He would not listen to me and he scared me so I just got my boss and she kicked him out the house.

Not only was I bored but I was tired seeing as my kitty decided to be a brat this morning. He got the Guinea Pigs worked up so I had to move their cages. When I get woken up I get really bitchy so I was cursing at my cat. I felt bad later because it is not his fault he wants attention at 7am. Before bed each night I am going to move the Guinea Pig cages if I am at Devin's. He can sleep through anything the lucky boy. He most likely called the high school today which is good. He seems happier lately which is good. I love my Devin.

12 Days Remain

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 01:44:40 GMT

There are only 12 days left of summer holidays, well now it is almost only 11 days. Out of these 11 days I know I work 9 of them. I hope I do not work on the 31st seeing as I want to go to at least one party during the summer. I have not drank since one night I played Halo3 until 5am. I do not remember when that was but it was a while ago.

Devin and I have been spending a lot of quality time together, well at least I see it as that. We sit around and watch Tv, or movies together and we talk a lot more again. That makes me feel a lot better. He does not seem upset about going to high school anymore. This makes me really happy because I do want to buy a house with him and marry him and so on and so forth. He makes life feel normal. It feels normal to be around him. It just feels like it is supposed to. When I do not see him for a while things begin to feel weird and I do not like it. I love him.

Better than Yesterday

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 23:50:44 GMT

Although I am really tired today I feel better now. I freaked out a little last night I admit. Accidentally I made Sean flip out on me in a complimenting way. Somehow between the swearing it made me feel better. Thanks Sean.

Today I had to work 1-8. It was pretty lame seeing as I only had time to eat half of a sandwich in 7 hours. I was really hungry by the end of the night. Now I am sitting here after drinking some warm milk with instant coffee and hot chocolate mixed in there. It tasted pretty good but it leaves a gross after taste.

Well I guess I'm off.

Falling Forever

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 01:04:02 GMT

I have come to realize that no matter how much you love yourself one day the next day you can hate yourself more than ever. These feelings of self-hatred bring me down so much and I feel like I am falling apart at the seams. It hurts deep inside like acid is rising into my brain deteriorating the thoughts of self love. I hate what I have become most of the time. As I get older it seems to get worse, well the down times. The up times make me feel amazing and they seem like they will never go away. It has been more than a year since I inflicted last and still I feel like I could just up and start it all over again. Truthfully I wish I could seeing as it would temporarily make me feel better for some fucked up reason.

When I was younger I would scream anything at the top of my lungs, wear anything, do anything I wanted, and I didn't give a shit. People could look at me oddly and I would laugh. Now I cower away from doing anything like that. I no longer wear weird stuff that no one else would ever wear. I stay quiet most of the time. What happened to me? I really wish I knew. When did all of these self-destructive thoughts take control of me, instead of just showing up once in a while before bed?

Being older brings more challenges and people expect you to be a certain way and look a certain way. I feel like I am not an adult because I do not look like one. I still have the body of a fucking 13 year old for fuck sakes, other than the child bearing hips I have. I guess having my little baby will be easy when I decide to get pregnant. This may sound very shallow but I wish my boobs would grow more then I would feel like more of a woman. I am slightly bigger than most girls with the size of boobs I have. I shouldn't care that much but I do.

I suck at life.

Things to look forward to☺

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 16:41:34 GMT

Tomorrow night after work I am going to St. Thomas to get Britty. We both have Thursday and Friday off so she is staying for two nights. It is going to be fun but sad as well. She is going to school in September. Her school is 6 hours away meaning she obviously will have to move to the School's Res. Ooh well we are going to make the best of the time we have together and it will be fun and awesome.

I have two days off in a row without asking for them off! That is also awesome.

School should be fun! I will get to work less [hopefully enough to pay for my car] and I will have something to keep the boredom away. I guess I should get new earphones for my iPod which is probably broken. I guess I have to get a new Mp3 player ha ha.

Shopping for school! I love to shop. I need 2 new pairs of pants, A couple new tops, A new sweater, Some new socks, a new pair of shoes, a zipper binder, some pens, some pencils, and someday I need to buy a new laptop. The laptop is not necessary right now so I am not going to worry about it too much.

The Downhill Journey Begins

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 19:14:37 GMT

When there is an uphill for me, the plateau does not last very long. Before I know it I can feel the flat terrain begin to slope downwards again. It is a pretty sad site and I wish I could stop walking, you know like freeze time. Things go too fast these days. My mind spins a lot and it is confusing. I have begun to think about the future. If Devin cannot get his high school diploma that means he will be making $10/hour at the most forever. It will be very hard to live off of that. I do not know what to do. I said to him, "So you will get your high school diploma this time?" with a smile on my face. Just like that he wiped the smile away with his answer, "Probably not" in the most nonchalant way possible. He told me he would. Apparently he's hopeless.

Now I am seeing that my mother and father were right in pushing me to go to school and getting good grades. Although they may have been a little too rough sometimes it has helped. At least I have a little bit of confidence and motivation to get an education and make more money that someone who does not have their high school diploma and a little bit of college. It is so simple yet not for him. I feel horrible. I love him so much and I do not want to be rough on him but if he does not put an effort in there is no way I can live with him forever. I want a nice house in a decent area with a backyard. How am I supposed to get that if I will be paying most of the bills? Also I want one kid someday and he keeps saying that it is stupid and will make me want to kill myself.

What am I supposed to do? This is the worst predicament I have ever been in with a guy that I love.

Me, Jade, Smile? Obsurd!

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 21:05:56 GMT

My title is a very true statement for most days, especially during this summer. It has been nothing but shit and more shit thrown in my path. It gets pretty smelly. Today is one of those extraordinary days that rarely happen lately. Even though I had to get up at 8am for work and clean all of the small animals once again I was smiling. I think it was because there is one person who works only on Sundays. Jesse is his name. He's about 27 I think he said and he has a wife and two kids. He works very hard, 6 days a week. Yet he is always in a good mood. He says the weirdest things and it is so funny. He sings all of the time. Stewart seems in a better mood when he's around as well. It's always good to work with Jesse. I smiled and I was hyper even though I had 6 hours of sleep. I got the small Animals done very quickly. I was not on washroom duty which helped.

I think another reason why I was not sad today is because I did not take 3 dimenhydrinates to get to sleep last night. I told myself I was not going to take it anymore unless I get a tummy ache again. Also I am looking forward to my day off tomorrow. Even though I have to go to the Dermatologist I can still drink tonight, chill out with Devin, stay up late, and sleep in. It shall be a good night I suppose.

As well I got lucky last night for the first time in a week or so. That is a long time for me. Thank you Devin.